I wrote the following as I was going through an emotional release to try to document my own internal process in case other people find it useful.
It all starts with a thought. I can’t do anything right. Objectively it’s obviously not true, but right now it seems very potent. Let’s try to take it apart with Byron Katie’s method, The Work. The first question she tells us to ask about a recurring thought is “Is it true?”. I can’t do anything right. Is that true? Well, no, it isn’t actually true. That’s where we begin the exploration. Doubting the validity of our own thoughts is the first step of progress. So it’s not actually, factually, true. What’s next? The next question is, “How do I react when I believe that thought?” This question typically elicits a list of behaviours, but I’m going to try to shortcut it and go straight to the emotions underneath that. So, “How do I feel when I believe that thought?” Like shit, obviously, but what emotion is “like shit”? I find that coming down from a nuanced experience of “like shit” to one of the core emotions is useful to take some of the sting out of it, which is the first step you need to take as you’re working with Wuju. So what is “feeling like shit?” Is it sadness? Maybe, but that doesn’t ring very true. Is it shame? That’s closer, but still not it. Is there some anger in there, at myself primarily? Yes, that rings true. I’m imagining that Wuju progress bar and where I would put it and anger seems to be at about 60%. So we’ve got some anger. But I also have a tight pit in my stomach, which I typically associate with fear. How high is the fear? Seem to be at 40%. OK then, we’re starting with anger.
Can I allow myself to feel the anger? My eyes are squeezing shut, my face contorts in a grimace of disgust. Yes, I can feel the anger. Maybe not all of it, but definitely some of it. Taking my glasses off to rub my eyes, a typical sign for me that I’m getting closer. A growl escapes my mouth. We’e getting somewhere. An angry scowl. Yeah, I’m feeling it. How strong is the anger? About 80%, higher now that I’ve tapped into it. Could I let it go? NO, not yet. Could I allow myself to hold on to the anger? Seems meaningless to hold on to it and I can’t even find a reason to do it, but I trust the process. OK, I can let myself hold on it. I imagine the scene from Braveheart when Mel Gibson shouts “HOLD! HOLD!” at the top of his lungs to keep his men from attacking. I’m holding on to my anger as hard as I can and I can already feel it slipping away. Could I now let it go? I take a deep breath, in and out. Yes, I can let it go. There’s a tiredness now, seems like I’ve been walking around with this anger for the better part of the day. Would I let it go? Nope, can’t do it. I’m still resisting something. OK, let’s go to Resistance. Can I allow myself to feel the resistance? Yes. Could I let it go? Yes. Would I? Yes. When? OK, OK, damn it, take it, take it all! Take it all. Is this really going to work? A doubt creeps in. Could I allow myself to feel the doubt? Yeah, OK, whatever. How strong is the doubt? Only about 20%. Would I let it go? Sure. When? Now. Laughter escapes. This is so silly. This silly linear process fools my mind out of its trap. Let’s see if I can flush the rest of the anger. Can I feel it? A tightness in my throat. Something unsaid. Maybe about our tenant. Some fear about talking to her. I’ve been repressing that. I’m angry at her for having friends over at all hours of the night, but I haven’t gathered up the courage to talk to her about it. There’s some guilt there too. We’re pretty noisy people upstairs as well. Could I let my fear, anger and guilt go all at once? I remind myself that letting go of emotions allows me to act rationally – responsibly. Yes, I can let them go. Shaking now. Rubbing at my eyes, toes tingling. I’ve reached the core. Is there any more of it left? Yes, about 10%. Could I allow myself to feel the rest of it? Yes. Could I let it go? Yes. Would I? Fly like a bird. Is there anything left? Maybe, but this is enough for now. Once the pipe is unclogged, the rest of it will clear up on its own, washed away by the breath.