A girl on Reddit tells a story about her partner who’s apparently looking for a place to rent for himself, claiming he’s just out of a relationship – while in a committed, long term relationship with her.
Maybe you’re in a relationship and like this girl, it seems to be falling apart around you. Maybe you fell in love and had an awesome thing going only to realize it wasn’t fully real. Maybe you’re blaming your partner for not being fully honest and maybe you witheld things from them trying to protect them as well. And maybe now it’s all coming out in fights, drawn out silences and long looks at their back, hoping something would change.
But something has changed – the little lies you’ve been telling each other no longer work and you’re looking at a dual abyss – falling apart as a couple, and starting afresh alone or with someone else, or looking deeply and honestly within yourself and your partner to find a deeper, more profound love.
This is what I wrote in response:
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I’m afraid I don’t have any good news for you, it sounds like your guy has decided already and you’re in for a rough ride. Relationships can be salvaged from almost anything, but it takes a hell of a lot of courage at least on one side. You seem to have withheld a lot from each other over the years, presumably to not rock the boat, but now the boat is rocking and I don’t know any way out of this than lots of honesty and lots of tears.
The best guide I found for this and that took me and my wife through a very rough spot is a book called Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson. It’s an incredible guide through the shittiest places a relationship can get to but yeah, metric tonnes of courage are required.
If you’re more of a listening type then Ester Perel’s podcast Where Should We Begin is pretty amazing in unpacking difficult relationships. Just find an episode that resonates and listen to it. She’s gold.
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Sue Johnson and Ester Perel are the closest thing I’d consider to experts in romantic relationships. From Johnson’s idea of attachment being a healthy and very important part of a long term relationship to Perel’s notion of a relational dowry – all the things each of you bring into a relationship from your prior experiences – both women troves of emotional wisdom, compassion and clarity. Yael and I learned a whole lot from both over the last year that has been especially rocky for our relationship and we’ve arrived at a profoundly deeper and happier relationship.
We’ve also been using Wuju extensively. Being able to process our emotions separately, without involving each other and without burdening each other with our unprocessed difficulties has been a game changer for us. Sharing deep emotional truths is so much easier after properly working through them ourselves that it has brought us closer than ever before. As a bonus it makes both of us feel like responsible grown ups instead of needy teenagers clinging to each other.
If you or anyone you know is struggling to keep their relationship alive, please share this note and your Wuju experience with them. Let them know I’m happy to jump on a call with anyone, listen to their story and guide them through the app.